<marquee class="top-marquee">That semifluid metallic ocean which generates the Earth’s magnetic field becomes known as Cthelll, the terrestrial inner nightmare.</a></marquee>
<img src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DM_Story1_Splash2_Scan.jpg">
<div class="left-1 w-2">
<img class="w-1-5" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_flowers_balls.gif">
(align:"==>")+(box:"==X==")[- something above was fucking ''OOZING SAP ALL OVER ME''!! it was honestly gushing pine pitch, at a rate ive never seen, and it had come all the way down my arm and covered my back. The sap was real, but I knew that it was also blood, and also tears, and also cum.]
<img class="w-1-5" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_flowers_balls.gif">
(align:"<==")+(box:"============XXXXX========")[<span data-object="cross">Look [[up.|Runner: Sinkhole without bodies]]</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">But love is also a spiritual intermediary between mortals and gods. In the Symposium again, it is through climbing the Ladder of Love we can progress from loving another human body, to many bodies, beautiful souls, laws and institutions and finally to the contemplation of absolute beauty itself.</a></marquee>
<div class="left-4 w-2">
We approached the queue of people with feigned nonchalance.
The woman with fur coat and poodle seemed distinctly out of place under these piss-stained arches. Her eyes looked hollow as she scanned them in our direction and back towards a hand extended from the darkness inside the doorway.
</div>
<div>
<img class="left-1 w-2 shadow" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DM_Story1_Hand_Scan.jpg">
"Thank you, Reverend," she mumbles as she takes the mushrooms, brushes her lips against the ring, and totters away down Druid Street.
We try to follow the retracting hand into the gloom of the narthex - but a shrill voice stops us in our tracks:
(text-style:"bold","italic")[(text-style:"condense")[Get in line like the rest of us! ]
]
(align:"<==")+(box:"=X")[<span data-object="shuriken key cross bramble">[[Look behind.|Agape Ministry 2]]</span> ]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Like many other belief systems, there are strands and denominations of Twin Flame ontology which people may find themselves sifting through, synthesising – choosing to adopt certain aspects while rejecting others.</a></marquee>
<div class= "left-2 w-2">
The voice belongs to a young, dishevelled looking woman who is tremouring.
<img class= "left-2 w-1-5 shadow" src="New Scans/GraphicNovel_L5P4_edit.jpg">
"We're all waiting for the service," she continues weakly, almost as if pleading with us. "I've been waiting all night for the Reverend's love..."
We hear a low murmuring and begin to discern that every other would-be member of Agape congregation is speaking unintelligibly to themselves; heads bowed; siloed from each other and from us.
We decide to step back, and walk onto the churchyard.
(align:"===><==")[<span data-object="bramble cross">[[Walk on as the Runner.|Runner: Churchyard view]]</span>
<span data-object="shuriken key">[[Walk on as the Chaser.|Chaser: Churchyard view of Runner]]</span>]
</div>
<marquee class="top-marquee">Reminding us of all of this, through a counterpart who seems to be able to provide a certain frequency of connection that, together with us, near or far, incarnate or not, leads to a powerful, mystical, self-actualising electro-magnetic dynamo effect.</marquee><div class="girl-theme"><div class="myspace-container"><div class="headline" style="font-size:22px;">chaser's comments</div>
<div class="comment"><b>`xo_mimi_ox`:</b>
<img src="Other images/Web images/rainbowleavingsomelove.gif"></div>
<div class="comment"><b>`slowkenji`:
</b>we all miss you fuck tonnes hope you're living your best life and pls get in touch once in a while xxx<img src="Other images/Web images/angelbears.gif"></div>
<div class="comment"><b>`tealightdiva`:</b>
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL i love u sm hope its the best day ever ✨<img src="Other images/Web images/littletwinstarsglitter.gif"></div>
<div class="comments-box">
<p class="box-title">leave a comment</p>
<p style="font-size:12px;color:#ffd6f7;">It was ur birthday on May 1st??? I have an omnipresent sense of dread that I want to tell you about. I'm honestly worried I've opened some kind of portal beyond my capacity to understand</p>
</div>
<span data-object="cross"><div class="link-btn">[[Hit send.|Credits page]]</div></span>
<span data-object="bramble"><div class="link-btn">[[Leave without sending.|Credits page]]</div></span>
</div>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Seems like it's been a while since she logged in.</marquee><div class="girl-theme"><div class="myspace-container"><table class="main-table"><tr>
<td class="left-col">
<div class="photo-box"><img class="profile-photo" src="Backup Scans/COPY-20260311_1DM_48x95cm_Banner.jpg" alt="my profile pic">
<p class="photo-caption">Last online: 08/08/2033
<span data-object="cross">Send a [[direct message|Chaser Comments]]</span>
</p>
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<div class="music-box"><p class="box-title">♫ now playing ♫ <span class="track-name"><marquee>unknown track</marquee> </span></p>
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<div class="info-box"><p class="box-title">my details</p>
<table class="details-table">
<tr><td>status:</td><td><img src="Other images/Web images/088.gif" width=46 height=24 border=0></td></tr>
<tr><td>mood:</td><td>inscrutable</td></tr>
<tr><td>birthday:</td><td>May 1st <3</td></tr>
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<td class="right-col">
<div class="headline">𑁍ܓchaser➳♡</div>
<div class="tagline">old soul / f / new territories</div>
<div class="about-box"><p class="box-title">about me ♥</p>
<p>A kickback. Like when like poles repel, an invisible
Barrier electromagnetically ordained will keep us
Apart until the day when I finally allow everything to
Wash over me and the charge ceases. Maybe
The magic will die. Then I know you will return to
Me, as 神奇 as the time you called my name
At the Waterloo bridge crossroads. A figure in black
Who made me look back, over my platter of fruit
And nuts. </p>
</div>
<hr class="sparkle">
<div class="friends-box"><p class="box-title">top friends</p>
<div class="friends-grid">
<div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/demoniccummings_In_the_foreground_in_the_neo-Chibi_style_of_C_30a43e53-053b-4005-b538-0ad170fd6bd3_2.png"><br>333</div><div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/additional version of the creature.png" alt="friend 4"><br>`heartcore_entity`</div>
<div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Primordial Human/Primordial human landing image 2.png" alt="friend 1"><br>my Self</div><div class="friend-slot"><img src="Backup Scans/COPY-20260311_2DF_48x95cm_Banner.jpg" alt="friend 8"><br><span data-object="bramble" data-mode="wake">[[my shadow|Runner Myspace2]]</span></div>
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</td>
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</div>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Psychological literature will offer up the epitome of the anxious-avoidant couple as a tragic case study of a pair of insecurely attached lovers imploding into a mutually-assured viscous cycle of core-wounded triggering. ʚĭɞִ Squint for the shuriken! ʚĭɞִ</a></marquee>
<img class="left-1" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260307_DM_highres.jpg">
<div class="left-4 w-1-5">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/red_heart.gif" width=500 height=25 border=0>
Crawling out onto the planet’s surface, blinking, that latent morning in July, we were greeted by that blasted furnace, wilted verges and scorched earth of a bone dry metropolis. I honestly couldn’t recall a summer like it in all my centuries here – the audacity of sink holes to be erupting with such frequency near Crucifix Lane! Their crumbly jaws, starved of any nourishment, extending back into parched gullets of oblivion.
I said my spell. I lit my flame. I looked around me, all shifty, before emptying some of the bottle into a gaping crack that seemed to extend into a soft singularity.
(align:"==>")+(box:"=======XXX")[<img src="Other images/Web images/toxic potion.png">]
I wondered how far those droplets travelled before they made impact with some receptive cushioning in the dank crevice-beds below.
Then, with the buried dead of St. John's Churchyard as our witness, he took the bottle from me, pressed it to his lips and sipped.
His pale eyes occasionally caught the flicker of the tealight.
What is he thinking?
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/red_heart.gif" width=500 height=25 border=0>
<span data-object="shuriken"> (align:"==>")+(box:"=X")[[Enter the flame]]</span>
<span data-object="key"> [[Snap out of it.|Chaser: in bed]]</span>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">In communion with what I know to be a divine principle.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-2 w-2" style="top:15%;" src="New scans/IMG_20261026_0003.jpg">
<div class="left-2 w-2">
In the weeks spanning November’s full moon, I became acquainted with the datura growing in the garden of the Catalonian lodge where I was learning how to facilitate for the first time.
The Tibetan black magician spoke of levitation and apparitions, words of warning, as they introduced the plant with a trickster grin. And so I’d neutralised its darkness with the first, fresh cup of my crimson non-birth, nourished its pods with an elixir of light diplomacy. I was going to take one home.
</div>
<div class="left-4 w-2">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/black_rose_blood.gif">
Back in England:
I pried into its brittle crevices with forcep-tweezers.
Horribly invasive, I felt, as I scraped the last clinging coal-
Black ovum from its fetid, spiky womb.
Didn’t know what the decorum should be in this extraction procedure.
The mildew on its severed mons betrayed the sorry abhorrence of this shamanic act,
Undertaken for the <span data-object="shuriken">[[unlicensed desire to submit|Chaser: the fall]]</span> to some
Voodoo oppression self-annihilating masochistic fantasy (with you).
Losing consent voluntarily. None the datura had to give.
Although it had fought valiantly to resist its fate,
Turning tumbles in the rolls of the
Station security scanner, it scrambled so hard to evade
The clutches of my heart pocket.
Well, perhaps it would seek its bitter vengeance yet.
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Generally speaking, the lore is New Age and areligious. It takes as axiomatic that Twin Flames exist in a dyadic relationship to each other, and only each other.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-1 w-2-5" style="top: 20%;" src="New scans/IMG_20261016_0003.jpg">
<div class="left-4 w-2">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_flowers_balls.gif">
I‘d thought you were a girl on paper. A name I read as unusually similar to mine. We missed each other on the train down there – you got caught up by a death on the tracks and pressed onward that night, while I luxuriated obliviously into the Genevan morning – but all the same we ended up adjacent to each other in that initial circle.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_flowers_balls.gif">
(align:"<==")+(box:"=X")[Something <span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[opens up within|Chaser: Glacial Lake]]</span> as I witness his vulnerability.]
</div>
<marquee class="top-marquee">It is amidst the peaks and valleys, a geological terrain behest to physical forces, that I begin to already map out a cosmic scale of affect-laden relating.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-2 w-4" src="New scans/IMG_20261026_0001 copy 2.jpg">
<div class="left-2 w-4">
I was amused by your *actual* gender and sized you up briefly, thought you were much younger than me, though you appeared older and older the more I got to know you. Persephone saw us on the lake’s pier as you smoked and I basked uncertainly at the edge of your attention. You talked about Stockholm. LA. I felt like a tourist, felt the brisk wind coming from the glacier.
We decide we'll swim together in the morning and I barely sleep from the anticipation.
By the time I return to London, I am <span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[limerant.|Chaser: limerance]]</span>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">What may surprise you, is that the belief system tends not to forecast that a pair of Twin Flames will end up together romantically as life partners.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-1" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260307_DF_highres.jpg">
<div class="left-4 w-1-5">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_winged_heart.gif">
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[Partially at the behest of my therapist, I'd asked for some excess of the stuff from an existing bloodletting ritual he told me he had planned. He offered to go even further and sacrifice some for me, with intention, and taken aback by the generosity, I agreed.
Within two weeks, we were engaging in the counter-spell, five years on from when the initial feeding had begun.]
(align:"==>")+(box:"========XXX")[<img src="Other images/Web images/love potion.png">]
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_winged_heart.gif">
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[<span data-object="shuriken key">⇆[[ Accept|Primordial Human Switch > Runner rooftop]] the strawberry. ⇆</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">They say that being in such a relationship will allow one to ‘burn through one’s karma’ through polarity.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-1" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260307_DF_highres.jpg">
<div class="left-4 w-1-5">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_winged_heart.gif">
I look at her, perhaps for the first time. Time has vindicated my intuition but also exorcised me of my many, many projections.
Her grey-blue eyes don't jolt my soul the way they did five years ago, but my heart feels full. Does our story end here, now that the blood has been equalised and the glamour seems broken?
"Thank you for being so intentional this time. Thank you for the strawberries," I tell her.
Our book feels <span data-object="shuriken key" data-mode="wake">[[open|Credits page]]</span>. Its chapters uncertain.
It's getting late and she gets up to go.
I help her on her way.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_winged_heart.gif">
<marquee class="top-marquee">I'll always be here as you ⸝⸝𖠚ᐝ</a></marquee>
<div class="left-2" style="margin-bottom: 50px;">
<img
class="left-2 no-shadow"
style="
z-index: 0;
position: absolute;
height: 100%;
width: auto;
max-width: none;
left: -70%;
mix-blend-mode: color-burn;
filter: contrast(1.2);
"
src="New scans/IMG_20261026_0002 copy.jpg"
>
Tryna set SMART goals for the month ahead
But keep relapsing into <span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[mournful memories|Chaser: envy]]</span> of
The 6 months or so we shared across the seasons
Of the last Gregorian calendar
I’ve removed myself from my home and ordered a
Vegetarian breakfast – a fucking snug iced latte
In order to focus and prevent myself from returning
To sulking in my <span data-object="key" data-mode="wake">[[gross, unmade bed|Chaser: in bed]]</span>
The site of stuffing myself with fudge brownies
Made by the mother of a person who I projected all
The passive neglect and changeable yes-no feelings
Onto, from you, as soon as Venus
Went direct. It’s hard to focus on the <span data-object="key" data-mode="wake">[[future|Chaser: Rooftop view]]</span>,
Call in intentions about self-sufficiency and financial
Independence doing what I love when what I love
Is you – minus your shadow self
Which is a mirror of my need to love myself
And exorcise my own shadow – again. Lapping
Up life lessons and ceding them to the returning
Tide of this counter-intuitive merry-
Go-round governing our fated connection.
I am <span data-object="key" data-mode="wake">[[tired|Chaser: in bed]]</span>. I am <span data-object="key" data-mode="wake">[[weary|Chaser: in bed]]</span>. I’ve become insular and
Frigid in the frozen tundra of January. Needing
But not wanting to harden my heart
For self-preservation. Reading some Wikipedia
Article about the Chinese red thread of fate –
How 月老 commands both ends of each from
The confines of his lunar hideout
Chained to my ankle, and yours to yours.
The Word document table peers at me from
Beyond this window. The lights are too jarring
In this show home café but I dare not
Leave. Afraid I’ll end up revisiting more of our
Old Whatsapp conversations, which, even reading
Them now fill me with a sort of warm sense of
Belonging. Validation I guess?
Will this rambling emotional diatribe become
My longest, epic poem yet, I wonder. All form and
No content. Just woolly outbursts of self pity
And pseudo-spiritual hand-wringing.
You have no idea how many <span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">(link-repeat: "YouTube videos")[(goto-url: "https://youtu.be/ROuasqvwRCk")]</span>
I’ve watched about twin flame reunion. It
Embarrasses me to admit how much I read into the
Narrative, knowing full well that the hope
I keep alive through belief and attention, is
Also what’s preventing me from moving on and
Healing myself. This is the difficulty I face this present
Moment: recovered mobile bearing the hallmark
Of my mantra of release to you: I’m happy for
You to do whatever you want, bb! And I mean it on
The <span data-object="shuriken key" data-mode="wake">[[fifth dimensional plane.|Primordial Human]]</span> Have meant it since before
This incarnation. Before I knew what meaning was.
And I trust your higher self completely, more
Than I respect myself, it seems. Want to let go of these
Possessive tendencies. Want to stop everything temp-
Orarily. Wake up wanting to <span data-object="key" data-mode="wake">[[return to sleep|Chaser: in bed]]</span>,
Hoping my unconscious can continue processing
The pain and the archetypes on my behalf. Drifting in
And out of images, in <span data-object="key" data-mode="wake">[[slumber|Chaser: in bed]]</span>. Not remembering anything
And wanting things to stay that way. Turning
This exercise into an act of automatic writing –
A form of helpful quasi escapism which nonetheless
Is serving some kind of purpose. Keeping my awareness
Trained on this thread-bare veil of the present
Where I become a hollow reed. Cease to exist
Or feel the pain of being. Cease to feel sick from
The terrible realisation in the Merzouga desert
Under the cold blanket of the unperturbed stars
In the half-yielding greyscale undulations of the
Night dunes, kissing the cosmos under some duress -
Ultimately indifferent – that perhaps this is how you
Felt. The same. Existential revulsion caused
A kickback. Like when like poles repel, an invisible
Barrier electromagnetically ordained will keep us
Apart until the day when I finally allow everything to
Wash over me and <span data-object="key" data-mode="wake">[[the charge ceases|Chaser: magician]]</span>. Maybe
The magic will die. Then I know you will return to
Me, as 神奇 as the time you called my name
At the Waterloo bridge crossroads. A figure in black
Who made me look back, over my platter of fruit
And nuts.
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">This is then interpreted by the avoidant partner as a threatening invasion of their independence – the threat really being of an intimacy that may lead to hurt or else lead to being dissolved again as soon as they unconsciously dare to trust in it once more.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-1 w-1-5" src="New scans/bathand_IMG_20261026_0001-2.jpg">
<div class="left-3 w-1-5">
In the evening chill of November two figures walked down New Cross Road – just ambling, hoods up, speaking into the space between them, where words would hover with some faded lustre before sighing, wounded, to be crushed under-heel on the pavement.
He spoke of another time, wandering the streets from an afterparty, cranium newly keratined with devil horns – passing out and continuing his brain melting delirium at will – like a primordial human gathering moments of lucidity when and only when his body pang’d for it.
This in response to my trip report from the trenches of the years before – where toxic psychosis and delusions of grandeur had colluded to convince me that knives were being sharpened in the strangers' shed to finally commit my flesh as a gruesome sacrifice; one that would unblock all of human civilisation from transcending into the next realm.
I wasn’t sure how to feel as we walked. I tried to stay with the rhythm of our words laid over the pace of our steps – just playing my part as a collaborator in the dialogue we were crafting. Medium as the message. If the text never landed then the affect wouldn’t drop.
But of course it did.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/silver_balls.gif">
She rang him when we got back to his place but he didn’t pick up. He’d denied my request to meet her, said he wanted to keep her all to himself. And in that same breath, asked for a month of space, for his health.
Without catastrophising, I agreed to his wishes. I was ‘good at non-monogamy’, and I believed I could prove myself an exemplary partner by respecting his boundaries to a t.
Withholding would be hard but I knew how to delay gratification. In any case, I had <span data-object="key" data-mode="wake">[[a lunar community to build|Chaser: Datura]]</span> by the next dark moon - and pronoia, universal confluence and New Relationship Energy I also claimed to dedicate to this task.
</div>
<img class="left-5 w-1-5" style="top: 30%;" src="New scans/buttbroom_IMG_20261026_0001-2.jpg"><marquee class="top-marquee">If only quantum leaping was this easy...</a></marquee>
<img class="left-2 w-1-5" style="top: 20%" src="New scans/IMG_20261026_0001 copy.jpg">
<div class="left-4 w-1-5">
The first time he broke my heart inspired me to sit down and write a paragraph. A girl on a bus, moving forwards, absent-mindedly into cracked moonlight. Bleeding, in pain – a torrent of raw spiralling patterns and womb-red grief. I wanted to write a fairytale to end all fairytales – an alternate future that would bring us together.
A world where we were a heroic duo – a loving home to our hearts: I seeking the secrets of the spirits and he uncoding and recoding them into a universal language.
(text-rotate-y:6)+(text-rotate-z:180)[I couldn’t bring myself to write that manifest future in the end. Something about it felt too contrived, even within the realm of fantasy. ]
(align:"==>")+(box:"=X")[<span data-object="shuriken">Write to [[him|Runner Myspace]] directly, claw it back!</span>
<span data-object="shuriken">Picture his [[face|Chaser: his face]] again, at least.</span>
<span data-object="shuriken">Recall how it all [[began.|Chaser: First Meeting]]</span>
<span data-object="key">Use this feeling to write [[a different story.|Chaser: a different story]]]</span>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Sometimes there is only one way forward.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-2 w-1-5" style="top: 17%;" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DF_Memory2.1_Scan.jpg">
<div class="left-2 w-1-5">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/silver_balls.gif">
I knew a bat called Pluto
In Catalonia.
His eyes were like the inverse apex
Of icebergs.
He had this earthy-coloured fur,
With silverish
Markings of a little tiger.
Eminently strokeable;
He wound himself between
Our legs when
We stood smoking and
Talking about forum theatre.
He would clamber on our
Laps around the flames -
Defying gravity with his claws
And affection.
He seized our adoration.
I was disarmed by this
Loveable bat
And his mesmerizing, unfettered
Lust for human attention.
(The way he deserted others’ laps for mine)
So much so that I set aside
An unrestricted unit
Of time for him at the start
Of my Vision Quest.
Finally ready to receive
His predatory energy,
In reciprocal abundance…
Cradling my bleeding womb,
I waited. Envisioning a lazy
Afternoon of stroking
His purring body -
Cradled by my bleeding womb.
…But this time he was distracted,
For the first time,
By another bat at the bottom
Of the courtyard.
I saw him edge towards her -
Ready to pounce.
Magnetized by her like-energy.
Knowing it was an omen.
Steadying my heart to Venus’
Change of direction
Back on her orthodox path -
While persevering,
Regardless. Honouring Gemini’s
Full moon
That magical November evening
When a circle of earth
And a circle of fire
Echoed the
Circle of air, luminous above
Pluto and I
As he sat on my shoulder
For the last time.
The fire had been extinguished
With water
And was a steaming circle
Of hot vapour -
Reaching up to the dank heavens
With ethereal grace.
I stood alone, with him.
A late night sentinel
To what had been, to what was.
To what would be.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/silver_balls.gif">
(align:"==>")+(box:"=X")[<span data-object="shuriken">The eyes transport you to the ceremony in the [[churchyard.|Chaser: Churchyard view of Runner]]</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">♪～(´ε｀ )</a></marquee>
<span data-object="key">[[<img src="New scans/IMG_20261026_0002.jpg">|Chaser: in bed]]
</span>
<marquee class="top-marquee"> Very quickly upon meeting, a too-close, too-intense encounter will be followed by separation initiated by the runner. </a></marquee>
<img class="left-3 w-3" style="top: 15%;" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260314_DF_Present Bed3.jpg">
<div class="left-1">
<img class="w-1" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/black_curls.gif">
Ask my inner child how she feels tonight,
Is she sad, is she gasping, mourning a long lost
Love that never gestated? Was she the one that
Witnessed it last night: holding me close
With sticky strings of mucus trails – I know
I’m dreaming but with translucent truths I let
Myself be gripped, gently. In the closeted grey
Darkness of my high-ceilinged tomb, flip
To the other pillow and stroking your face, I
Humour your plea for the puppies. It’s
Endearing. Go along with the ruse to be close.
<span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[I want to be close to you.|Chaser: his face]]</span> Wish fulfilment.
It was only ever a dream anyway – a waking one
I remember approaching your velvet curtains,
Guessing this. There was no way the hazy Saturday
At the bus stop in your Hawaiian shirt with pre-op
Cap n haircut Zef style white trash hands fondling
My neck sun shining hotness. Was so exquisite and
Easy and too comfortable to be real.
Fear and longing. The unnerving gaze of your man
-Nequin eyes, unblinking. Drinking me in. I resisted
The urge to squirm. Child resilient, defiant. Placid.
White light pale as the prior hours’ glow on my
Horizontal skin. Soft cradle my face – electrodes
Behind eyes wires twitching alive with esoteric visions
About our <span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[collective futures|Chaser: fantasy]]</span> and the heroic part we
Might play within it. White light flooding the underside
Of your unnatural expression in early May, a summer
In anticipation of what, exactly? Some sickness.
Galloping equine distances; one measly non-alarmist
Timeline sans-self-sabotage away.
<img class="w-1" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/black_curls.gif">
(align:"==>")+(box:"=X")[
<span data-object="shuriken">Return to that fated [[evening.|Twins in the Tunnel]]</span>
<span data-object="shuriken">Recall how it all [[began|Chaser: First Meeting]].</span>
<span data-object="key">Grieve & intuit a [[possible future|Chaser: magician]].</span>
<span data-object="shuriken">Cling onto some shred of [[connection|Runner Myspace]].</span>]
</div>
<marquee class="top-marquee">+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*</a></marquee>
<img class="left-4 w-2" src="New scans/IMG_20261026_0001.jpg">
<div class>
underwater sinking down pool tiles of fluorescent white off blue hands up outstretched
coming to the conclusion that this book was about to close
how far did i drift down those regular gleaming steps? eons tracked in that motion and
with a barely there record to my timeline it seemed easy to accept
but when strong hands seized my tiny wrists, an upward jerking schism yawned
violence from the soft below - shock/release some deific intervention
out blinking into the brighter white, shaking - suddenly aware of being wet I flopped
into the arms of a stranger and sobbed 我－我－我－我－我－
cheng shuo laughed in mockery at my life-gasps and I recalled the slippery motion that
plummeted me into the nether region of being, strapped in
tightly into her dad’s car. Beyond the waxy gleam of the rubber ring, there are no water
signs in the significant tripartite of my birth chart, but I did set those
fishies free on the mystic’s instigation when i was even more of a baby
and, looking into the dark vortices of my eyes, she claims she saw purpose raging
back at her in 2003 - and off to the butcher we trotted, peeping through sliding sheets of
scratched window. A meat-cleavered glove foregrounded lips that uttered
“--- ---?” Inevitably, I would cherish dreams of flying more than anything else.
So presently with sometime nightmares about escape from home invasion
scenarios but no more rolling epics, I the heroine who catapults herself
into ethers with a rigorous front crawl, stratospheric, scooping through thin
air as in those vintage, mind-televised, halcyon nights. ///Underwater i’ll return as mm
by mm the level’s rising, drenches every pore of my epidermal layer
earthy (in nature) with an erratic psych[ot]ic breeze – carries those hot desert flashes
that ignite prematurely - i clutch them in my palms, singes flesh to the touch
for fear they would wilt apart, or else – real horror: catalyse something
unstoppable and monstrous with its uniform beauty because there’s simply
too much <span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[symmetry|Chaser: First Meeting]]</span> to behold…
Do you agree? And i don’t mean diplomatically although i know that’s in your nature –
i mean truly, bluntly: how far should i sink down these gleaming chrome
steps again before yielding to the amniotic fluid pressed against a bubble
in my nostril, the gleaming ring a shadowy spacecraft eclipsed on new horizons
hands outstretched in brace position for the conclusion that this book was never open
and in the blazing white light of a dawning, painfully aware of my wetness
in the awkward arms of a stranger will there be shock/release? Or will i keep
drifting like present daydreams down pool tiles on Green Lanes, feeling a strange
swirling, a home invasion of all previous certainties, not quite strapped in but
not letting myself plummet straight to the bottom either. It was much easier in
person in that glacial lake, where, despite the violent life-gasps i could surrender naked
to the searing numbness, peer up at snow-capped vistas stacked as celestial turrets
and - yes! Realise there are yet higher reaches to yearn for. Clearer waters to drink.
Purer air in which to <span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly|Chaser: envy]]</span>
</div>
<marquee class="top-marquee">But after the chaser eventually comes to terms with this distance, the runner will feel safe enough to draw closer again – potentially leading to a reunion. </a></marquee>
<img style="width:100vw; height:100vh; object-fit:cover; left:0; top:0; z-index:0; transform: none; max-width: none; max-height: none;" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DF_Future_Sun.jpg">
<div class="left-1 w-3">
<img class="w-1" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/rainbow_stars.gif">
A feral Cyclops or horse
Eye - with hairy lower lash line
And a defined upper lid arch.
My head as the iris, black
Like the coal we fired nettled
Bread in during the summer
I tried my best to recover
From them.
Speak to me of the innocence
Of animals; of the lightness
Of their hearts.
Show me how it feels
To be as they are:
Free of the grit and residue
That clings to my emotional
aura.
Coming to terms
With how traumatised I was left
In 2029. How afraid I became
To dream of anything life’s
Narrative could possibly make
Corporeal. That residual apprehension
Of any ambition crumbling into dust,
Suddenly.
The associations I’d made
Between synchronicities
In my ascendency
And the ‘miracle’ of them wanting
Me at all. Could never cut those
Mucus trails free. Blamed myself,
Disavowed myself from ever feeling
Blissful again. ’Til now.
<img class="w-1" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/rainbow_stars.gif">
(align:"==>")+(box:"=X")[<span data-object="key">The [[ritual|Chaser: Rooftop view]] that reversed the vampirism.</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">(Which begets separation again, and so on, and so forth.)</a></marquee>
<div class>
On the dark moon of December, he <span data-object="shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[appeared|Chaser: impact]]</span> to me again.
<img class="w-4 shadow" src="New scans/fall_IMG_20261026_0001-2.jpg">
<marquee class="top-marquee">But love is also a spiritual intermediary between mortals and gods. In the Symposium again, it is through climbing the Ladder of Love we can progress from loving another human body, to many bodies, beautiful souls, laws and institutions and finally to the contemplation of absolute beauty itself.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-3 w-1-5 shadow" style="top: 20%;" src="New scans/IMG_20261026_0003 copy.jpg">
<div class="left-3 w-1-5">
I tell him this through the letter box later - each of us brought to our knees on either side of my front door, at the mercy of the bloody, Hunter's Moon - in a season's time. But for now, I feel it so painfully that I need to tear my eyes away.
We make eye contact as I glance towards him and I feel the lightning so intensely that it feels painful.
<span data-object="shuriken"> [[Hold the gaze; accelerate.|Chaser: limerance]]</span>
<span data-object="key"> [[Look away and keep walking.|Chaser: Churchyard view of Runner]]</span>
</div>(enchant:?page,(text-colour:white)+(bg:black))<div class="left-2 w-5">
<img src="Other images/Title page/cooltext514440958144935.png">
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[Concept, illustration, writing, voice & development by Bea Xu
Development support & sound design by Oliver Smith
Additional development & javascript design by Joaquina Salgado
Guest writing by Biu Rainey
Featuring music by `ikea.customer_services`
Commissioned by HERVISIONS]
<marquee class="top-marquee">( ˆ𐃷ˆ) .ᐟ.ᐟ</a></marquee>
(align:"=><=")[<span data-object="bramble">[[. . .|Dissociate2]]</span>]
(align:"=><=")[<span data-object="bramble">[[oh shit|Dissociate3]]</span>]
(align:"=><=")[<span data-object="bramble">[[. . . ⇆|Primordial Human Switch > Chaser Churchyard]]</span>]<marquee class="top-marquee">As the anxiously-attached partner feels the avoidant partner pull away, they feel the anxious need to compensate for their abandonment by closing the distance between them.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-4 w-1-5 no-shadow" style="mix-blend-mode: color-burn;
filter: contrast(1.1);" src="New scans/IMG_20260821_0002.jpg">
<div class="left-2 w-1-5">
(align:"==>")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[<img class="w-1" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/rainbow_stars.gif">
The summer night clings to my blood like its a lifeline.
I see them retch slightly from the potency of it, a small black globule glistening on their lips in the tealight.
Glancing down at my dog-eared grimoire, I use their flame to light my own as I chant the spell for the first time:
<img class="w-1" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/rainbow_stars.gif">]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[<span data-object="shuriken"> The spirits have blessed us. [[ I'm in love.|Chaser: limerance]]</span>
<span data-object="shuriken">Blood roaring thru my insides, [[I close my eyes.|Primordial Human Switch > Runner churchyard]] ⇆</span>]
</div>(enchant:?page,(text-colour:white)+(bg:black))<div class="left-2 w-4">
<img src="Other images/Primordial Human/Primordial-human-landing-image-draft-2.gif"
class="image-originalsize-centred">
(align:"=><=")[In Plato’s Symposium, we encounter a mythic, primordial human race that was created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. “Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” This is why, in the present iteration of the human race, when a person meets their other half from their mythic life, the two people may be struck by a sense of belonging to each other and will not want to be separate from one another. “Love is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete”.
In ‘5 dimensional reality’ both halves of the Twin Flame partnership exist as one and the same soul. That there is a push and pull dynamic is a condition of the energetic constraints of this earthly, 3-dimensional realm. As a consequence, there is a polarity of roles played out within the partnership: where there is a ‘runner’ and a ‘chaser’ – alternately referred to in New Age circles as a ‘Divine Masculine’ and a ‘Divine Feminine’. These two components of the dyad are akin to the avoidant and the anxious attachment styles and are not prescribed to any particular gender construction or sexual orientation.]
(align:"=><=")[[[Proceed with my 3D soul contract on Earth.|Twins in the Tunnel]]
</div>]<marquee class="top-marquee">Buckle up for the symbiotic split!</marquee>
[[<img class="no-shadow" src="Other images/Primordial Human/CtoR_TwinsCloseups.gif">|Chaser: Churchyard view of Runner]]<marquee class="top-marquee">You're about to see yourself through the eyes of your twin.</marquee>
[[<img class="no-shadow" src="Other images/Primordial Human/Primordialhumanswitch.gif">|Chaser: Rooftop view 2]]<marquee class="top-marquee">Buckle up for the symbiotic split!</marquee>
[[<img class ="no-shadow" src="Other images/Primordial Human/CtoR_TwinsCloseups.gif">|Runner: Churchyard view]]<marquee class="top-marquee">You're about to see yourself through the eyes of your twin.</marquee>
[[<img class="no-shadow" src="Other images/Primordial Human/Primordialhumanswitch.gif">|Runner: Rooftop view of Chaser]]<marquee class="top-marquee">Hope you find what you're looking for here ᕳ♡ᕲ ᕳ♡ᕲ ᕳ♡ᕲ</marquee><div class="boy-theme"><div class="myspace-container"><table class="main-table"><tr>
<td class="left-col">
<div class="photo-box"><img class="profile-photo" src="Backup Scans/COPY-20260311_2DF_48x95cm_Banner.jpg" alt="my profile pic">
<p class="photo-caption"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/offline heart.gif">
<span data-object="key">Return to [[myself |Chaser: in bed]]</span> </br><span data-object="shuriken">Return to that [[night |Chaser: Churchyard view of Runner]]</span><br><span data-object="shuriken">[[Message|Runner comments]] him</span></br></p>
</div>
<div class="music-box"><p class="box-title">♫ now playing ♫ <span class="track-name"><marquee>`ikea.customer_services` - 02 european lullaby (trad.).mp3</marquee></span></p>
<audio controls loop style="width:100%">
<source src="audio/02 european lullaby (trad.).mp3" type="audio/mpeg">
your browser can't play this :(
</audio>
</div>
<div class="info-box"><p class="box-title">my details</p>
<table class="details-table">
<tr><td>status:</td><td>it's complicated</td></tr>
<tr><td>mood:</td><td>restless</td></tr>
<tr><td>here for:</td><td>fun</td></tr>
<tr><td>zodiac:</td><td>???</td></tr>
</table>
</div>
</td>
<td class="right-col">
<div class="headline">◟♪◝⊹𓂃runner</div>
<div class="tagline">(bg:(hsl:0,0,0,0.5))[timeless / ꒰ა𓂋໒꒱ / new territories]</div>
<div class="about-box"><p class="box-title">about me</p>
<p> words suck they feel flimsy </p>
</div>
<div class="friends-box"><p class="box-title">top friends</p>
<div class="friends-grid">
<div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/Fairy_Falls.png" alt="friend 1"><br>`Fairy_Falls`</div><div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/I_samma_ögonblick_var_hon_förvandlad_till_en_underskön_liten_älva.jpg" alt="friend 2"><br>Seven</div>
<div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/Septimus_Serpentine,_Fairy_Song.jpg" alt="friend 3"><br>Septimus</div><div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/Fairy_in_Irises_MET_2002.355.4.jpg" alt="friend 4"><br>Iris</span></div>
</div>
</div>
</td>
</tr></table>
</div>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">˖୨୧₊❀ Woaw ≈₊✧ cute profile update!! <333 ꨄ︎₊⊹ °˖➴<𝟑</marquee><div class="boy-theme2"><div class="myspace-container"><table class="main-table"><tr>
<td class="left-col">
<div class="photo-box"><img class="profile-photo" src="Other images/Myspace images/Runner2_COPY-20260311_2DF_48x95cm_Banner.png" alt="my profile pic">
<p class="photo-caption"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/online heart.gif"></p>
</div>
<div class="music-box"><p class="box-title">♫ now playing ♫ <span class="track-name"><marquee>`ikea.customer_services` - THx.mp3</marquee></span></p>
<audio controls loop style="width:100%">
<source src="audio/THx.mp3" type="audio/mpeg">
your browser can't play this :(
</audio>
</div>
<div class="info-box"><p class="box-title">my details</p>
<table class="details-table">
<tr><td>status:</td><td>available</td></tr>
<tr><td>mood:</td><td>raw</td></tr>
<tr><td>here for:</td><td>wonder</td></tr>
<tr><td>zodiac:</td><td>. ݁𓂃 ࣪˖ ཐིཋྀ ࣪˖ ݁𓂃. ݁₊</td></tr>
</table>
</div>
</td>
<td class="right-col">
<div class="headline">◟♪◝⊹𓂃runner</div>
<div class="tagline">second age / ꒰ა♡໒꒱ / new territories</div>
<div class="about-box"><p class="box-title">about me</p>
<p> there is a powerful story downslope feeling or smth </p>
</div>
<div class="friends-box"><p class="box-title">top friends</p>
<div class="friends-grid">
<div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/Fairy_Falls.png" alt="friend 1"><br>`Fairy_Falls`</div><div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/I_samma_ögonblick_var_hon_förvandlad_till_en_underskön_liten_älva.jpg" alt="friend 2"><br>Seven</div>
<div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Myspace images/Septimus_Serpentine,_Fairy_Song.jpg" alt="friend 3"><br>Septimus</div><div class="friend-slot"><img src="Other images/Primordial Human/Primordial human landing image 2.png" alt="friend 4"><br><span data-object="cross" data-mode="wake">[[my Self|Credits page]]</span></div>
</div>
</div>
</td>
</tr></table>
</div>
</div><div class="boy-theme">
<div class="myspace-container">
<div class="headline" style="font-size:22px;">comments</div>
<div class="comments-box">
<p class="box-title">leave a comment</p>
<p style="font-size:12px;color:#c9c9ff;">I feel myself becoming more you – introducing new boundaries into my life. Trying so hard not to give into the doubt. But turning into myself anyway. Feeling the heaviness of winter more than ever. The drowsy need to slumber. Dozing on the 279. Swallowed by the frigid darkness. Wanting to hibernate despite knowing I’m stronger. Letting go.
Maybe this is it. Maybe we’ll never see each other ever again. Maybe I was wrong all along. </p>
</div>
(bg:(hsl:0,0,0,0.5))[<span data-object="key">[[It's too cringe to send.|Runner Myspace]]</span>
<span data-object="shuriken">[[`SeNd iT aNywAy </3` |Chaser: fantasy]]</span>
<span data-object="key">[[Log off.|Chaser: in bed]]]</span>
</div>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">This soul contract is designed to trigger my planetary inheritance by dredging up that part of us from prehistory that is traumatised through deep time.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-1" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DM_Spectre.jpg">
<div class="left-4 w-2">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/red_roses.gif">
I want to reach out to you. This was deep chthulic dread, touching the heart of the forest, fuck fuck fuck out loud and smelling fermenting organs. So grim. I need to integrate this and you are a big part of it!
I have to stop myself reaching out to you, but I have such a strong urge that you hold the key to processing it. Partly because I am deep into revolutionary demonology, dredging up the themes, and the book makes me think of you, but also something more direct... Like i am touching some chaotic sludge somewhere that we are linked through
This was on may 1st
Idk if you were doing anything then? Some ritual or something idk maybe I logged onto somehow
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/red_roses.gif">
(align:"==>")[<span data-object="bramble">Distract yourself with [[smth|Runner: book]] else.</span>
<span data-object="bramble">Retreat to your [[memories.|Runner: Rooftop view of Chaser]]</span>
<span data-object="cross">[[Message|Chaser Myspace]] her.</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Psychological literature will offer up the epitome of the anxious-avoidant couple as a tragic case study of a pair of insecurely attached lovers imploding into a mutually-assured viscous cycle of core-wounded triggering. ʚĭɞִ Look carefully to find the bramble! ʚĭɞִ</a></marquee>
<img class="left-1" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260307_DM_highres.jpg">
<div class="left-4 w-1-5">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/red_heart.gif">
the verdant english lawns of my childhood are long gone. That much i noticed as we found a spot to sit on.
i'd forgotten to prepare an item to be sacrificed beforehand but i knew i could just work with what i had. I breathed out a cloud of vapour into my tealight, *because i want to feel my body.*
she said her spell. she lit her flame.
(align:"==>")+(box:"=======XXX")[<img src="Other images/Web images/toxic potion.png">]
then, with the buried dead of st. john's churchyard as our witness, i took the bottle from her, pressed it to my lips and sipped.
it tasted like shit. rancid, rotted, microbial - spoiled in this heat. i couldn't get enough of it.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/red_heart.gif">
<span data-object="bramble">[[D i s s o c i a t e]]</span>
<span data-object="cross">(align:"==>")+(box:"=X")[Flash forward to the [[moment|Runner: Rooftop view of Chaser]] I finally repaid my blood debt.]</span>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">The belief system tends not to forecast that a pair of Twin Flames will end up together romantically as life partners.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-1" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260307_DF_highres.jpg">
<div class="left-4 w-1-5">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_winged_heart.gif">
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I see sanguine cheeks that blush as fingers extend towards me. Breath steady, I make a quick incision with the shuriken and deftly roll a strawberry over my skin.]
(align:"==>")+(box:"========XXX")[<img src="Other images/Web images/love potion.png">]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")
[Her fingers tremble and drip as they withdraw with the fruit in their clutches.]
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/blue_winged_heart.gif">
(align:"==>")[
<span data-object="cross">[[Tell your truth, melt & be eaten.|Runner: disclosure]]</span>
<span data-object="bramble">[Leave this [[reverie.|Runner: forest walk]]</span>
<span data-object="cross">[This memory is immortalised in a [[place|Chaser Myspace]] I sometimes visit.]]]</span>
</div><div class="whiteonblack">
<img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/740/740969w8ds0bg4ie.gif" width=426 height=25 border=0>
<img src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DM_Story1_Hand_Scan.jpg">
<img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/740/740969w8ds0bg4ie.gif" width=426 height=25 border=0>
I started whittling this dual bladed knife for no particular reason. and about mid afternoon i got out some mushrooms i had brought, liberty caps from nearby. Had about 1.2g, not a huge dose - was only really looking for a lil buzz in the sunshine rather than a massive lesson.
(align:"==>")[[[Take them.|Runner: Splash 1]]]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Psychic experience becomes an encrypted geological report, the repercussion of a primal Hadean trauma in the material unconscious of Planet Earth.</a></marquee>
<img style="width:100vw; height:100vh; object-fit:cover; left:0; top:0; z-index:0; transform: none; max-width: none; max-height: none;" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DM_Story2_Scan.jpg">
<div class="left-3 w-2-5">
<img class="w-2-5" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/black_curls.gif">
Really quickly it started turning into a super dark trip. I started getting a sense of deep unknown, like a mental chasm opening, and it was suffuse with death. Just this sense of endless decay being present under everything. I got visuals really early and they were like... Canonical "bad trip" imagery. I was just laughing for a while cause I kept seeing skulls everywhere, in blades of grass and in the rays of sun.
<img class="w-2-5"src="Other images/Web images/Borders/black_curls.gif">
(align:"==>")+(box:"=XXX")[<span data-object="cross">What are those [[shadows? |Runner: sinkhole with bodies]]</span>
<span data-object="cross">I can feel a [[presence. |Runner: phantom against sinkhole]]</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">The field strength has remained relatively constant since prehistoric times, while solar wind was significantly stronger in the past. This suggests that magnetism has protected the Earth’s surface more over time, which may have allowed life to move out of the protection of the oceans and onto dry land. During Earth’s early formation, its solid inner core had not yet formed, so questions remain about how its early magnetic field was sustained.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-3 w-2" style="top:25%;" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DM_Story1_Splash1_Scan.jpg">
<div class="left-3 w-1">
(align:"==>")[Was getting a sense that the trees were bleeding behind and next to me, but *at* me, like they were bleeding to communicate to me. I had this repetitive Christian imagery that were maria dolorosi, crying blood in tortured grief and purity. And then I felt something on my head - ]
(align:"==>")[<span data-object="cross">What's [[that?!|Runner: Splash 2]]</span>]
</div><img class="left-4 w-1-5 no-shadow" style="top:15%;" src="New scans/Fairyland.png">
<div class="left-2 w-2">
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/silver_balls.gif">
I pull out a different book.
It was published in the 90s and describes a world where pharmacological neurotoxins are synthesised to wreak emotional terrorism on unsuspecting targets: psychoactive viruses; loyalty plagues and fairydust. Fembots spreading belief systems in nothing more than a kiss.
And Alex Sharkey, the protagonist, "can't possibly explain the glamour that was cast over him so long ago, that pulls at him still for all that he was used and then abandoned".
I think of Agape Ministry.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/silver_balls.gif">
(align:"==>")[<span data-object="bramble">[[Open the book.|Credits page]]</span> ]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Twin Flame lore denotes that the true meaning of Twin Flame partnership is in exposing yourself, through the Other, to the love, longing and suffering of that push and pull dynamic – </a></marquee>
<div class="left-2 w-3">
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[One thing I’m noticing as I melt into myself, lean into expunging shadows
as my body changes and by that I mean my bodymind and by that I mean whatever overlapping senses of self this continuous battle against cartesian carte-blanche is finding in me
And in particular as chaos becomes something to explore tenderly and embrace, rather than an addiction I hold like a self-flogger
Is the degree to which I was radically different ppl while we knew each other.]
(align:"<==")+(box:"==================XXXXX==")[<img src="Other images/Web images/love potion.png">]
(align:"<==")+(box:"=X")[<span data-object="cross">[[Hand her another strawberry.|Runner: disclosure 2]]</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">unifying and separating again and again until the chaser learns to let go of the other and love themself, </a></marquee>
<div class="left-4 w-1-5">
(align:"=><=")+(box:"XXXXXXXX==")[I’ve been spending today and some time in recent days trying to sit and reaccess old body memories.
And as I sit and actually feel into it my sternum calcifies and the future narrows and the whole world becomes narrower and narrower. Imagination starts to drip into some drainage system, somewhere. There is nothing but validation, a desperate rush for safety, and then just absence.
I don’t remember much from that period, honestly. It was so intense and horrific and I’ve really just drained so much of it from my mind. The memories that remain are very flashing spark style. Pictures of you, moments of friends, many garages and open warehouses for some reason?]
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(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXX")[<span data-object="cross">[[Hand her another strawberry.|Runner: disclosure 3]]</span><img src="Other images/Web images/love potion.png">]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">thus freeing up the runner to learn what it really means to value themselves enough to accept the love of another, in all its intensity.</a></marquee>
<div class="left-3 w-2-5">
(align:"=><=")+(box:"XXXX=")[When we met I was so sad and lost.
But I was still alive, and free, and free to allow myself to be alive, and felt that I had control over myself at least and control over the course of my life. When I tap into that – when I remember having my palm read by you, watching you swimming in that cold ass fucking fresh ass fucking lake – I feel such a sense of freedom because I was at least in control of myself. I was free to engage with you, to say yes or no to your love in a meaningful and agentive way. And I had elbowed my way into having the space to breath and the space for my sense of self to come forward and announce what the fuck it was without shutting down, without dying, without needing to die. And I could engage with you as a person, as an entity, as a bubbling up of choice and potentiality. That’s what I feel when I tap into that space – bubbles, expansion, a fractal fall, some endless Cheshire grin that beckons and emotions that can sit side by side and overlap and still be valid.
When I tap into the space later in the year, when we met again. There is nothing there. There is no sense of future. I had lost control. There was only inevitability. Magic died. There is just thick cold steel and the desperate rush for safety, the horror that I might be seen, the unfightable urge to drape some other self over my own. It’s literally cold, my body feels cold and metallic.]
(align:"<==")+(box:"XXXX======")[<img src="Other images/Web images/love potion.png">
<span data-object="cross">[[Hand her another strawberry.|Runner: disclosure 4]]</span>]
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<marquee class="top-marquee">In other words, Twin Flame relationships are there to be an accelerated process of spiritual growth for each individual within the dyad.</a></marquee>
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(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[<img src="Other images/Web images/love potion.png">
There is a thick line of fate that crosses that year. I like to think that my gender fuckery would have forced its way out earlier. maybe we would have danced around and into each other in other ways. maybe we would have figured out that there was less there than we’d thought. Maybe just sexual attraction masquerading as love; maybe vice versa; maybe no masquerade, maybe things would simply fade
I don’t know
But yes after the change of the seasons I was fucking gone.
So this reunion is, I guess, firstly to affirm that you were right. The poles reversed. The world turned itself inside out in such a horrific way. The fact you were attracted to me on whatever level, that you respected me, something that I was so grateful for and something which my true self needs in order to feel safe, became the reason I was repulsed by your affection. The fact I found you attractive in body, in mind, in spirit became something I had to shed, because anything this shell found attractive was now de facto dangerous.
So. Indifferent? Yes. But through fear, such blinding fear of your love that I could not bear to hold it. I didn’t believe it.
So yes. Red thread. 神奇. I love you. Oscillating polarities.]
(align:"<==")+(box:"=X")[[[⇆ Hand her the final strawberry. ⇆ |Primordial Human Switch > Chaser rooftop]]]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Earth’s magnetic field is generated by that molten iron in the planet’s fluid outer core – mixing together, driven by buoyancy forces as the inner core solidifies, creating a dynamo that resembles a torus – or a donut shape – enveloping the earth. This magnetic field shields the Earth’s surface from harmful cosmic radiation and charged particles from the Sun – or solar wind. Without magnetism, life on Earth would not be possible.</a></marquee>
<img class="left-4 w-1-5" style="top:15%;" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DM_Story1_Forest_Scan.jpg">
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(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[<img class="w-1" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/thick_fern.gif">]
Had been meaning to have a mayday ritual of some kind, with the aim of burning away and moving on from winter which was a period of really immense grief. Had explicitly set a bunch of stuff to ferment and closed the lid on it at the end of the last year, so the idea was to take the lid off and let the air in again.
I went for a long walk and felt myself growing rly connected to the forest, and it felt extremely sexual. I found this soft area full of moss and clover and morning light and had a v intense period of connection, culminating in licking, stroking and cumming into the clover.
(align:"==>")[<span data-object="cross">[[Keep going. |Runner: Splash 1]]</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Our suffering is a more-than-human inheritance from the very birth of the cosmos itself.</a></marquee>
<img style="width:100vw; height:100vh; object-fit:cover; left:0; top:0; z-index:0; transform: none; max-width: none; max-height: none;" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260314_DM_Sinkhole_Phantom.png ">
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<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/rainbow_stars.gif">
Through all of this, you were there. I had this consistent notion that I needed to get in contact with you, because I had unlocked some connection with the forest and the lake, and it wanted me to be incorporated into it or vice versa and that having you there would help us achieve that. it thought I was finally ready to face and accept this kind of horror, like the true unconscionable horror of atrophy and entropy. And it was supposed to be something that you and I engaged in together.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/rainbow_stars.gif">
(align:"==>")
[<span data-object="cross">I want to [[reach out!|Runner: Chaser phantom]]</span>
<span data-object="cross">Seeing [[her|Runner: Rooftop view of Chaser]] framed against the sky reminds me -</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">“Thus we can say that all forms of life are solutions to the same problem; managing the excoriating excess of solar energy which will eventually consume them in death.”</a></marquee>
<img style="width:100vw; height:100vh; object-fit:cover; left:0; top:0; z-index:0; transform: none; max-width: none; max-height: none;" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260314_DM_Sinkhole_bodies.png">
<div class="left-3 w-2-5">
<img class="w-2-5" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/ivy.gif">
Walked over to the lakeside and became aware that there was a morass of horror just underneath the surface; like chthulic bodies twisting continuously. The lake was so still and when I looked across to the other side the earth was like compressed layers of death, bodies pressed into the earth over centuries. I turned around and the rock I was standing on was a sacrificial stone, and the patterns in the lichen and shadows made out the shape of some huge bird creature, like a Prometheus imprint, a memory in stone of past sacrifices in bloody red lichen.
<img class="w-2-5" src="Other images/Web images/Borders/ivy.gif">
(align:"==>")[<span data-object="cross">[[I think she's here with me.|Runner: phantom against sinkhole]]</span>]
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">But love is also a spiritual intermediary between mortals and gods. In the Symposium again, it is through climbing the Ladder of Love we can progress from loving another human body, to many bodies, beautiful souls, laws and institutions and finally to the contemplation of absolute beauty itself.</a></marquee>
(text-rotate-z:24)[<img class="left-4 w-1-5 shadow" src="New scans/IMG_20261026_0003 copy 2.jpg">]
<div class="left-3 w-1-5">
She glances at me and i take her hand.
I remember the lightning etched onto my skin 3 months ago
A season later, i'm no longer feeling it in my heart. My heart is a heavy thing. I hadn’t realised how dead i was until this point - because i’d felt depressive arcs of glass throwing, radiator smashing, dusk stewing, chronic boredom like this my whole life. The cling film had clung to my filthy, clammy skin.
Tunneling directly to the wilting organ, the black roots of the thing probed into my palm and my memories – reminding me with bitter tears how low i’ve spiralled since the spring in this arid summer heat.
<span data-object="bramble">[[Break eye contact and walk on in silence.|Runner: Churchyard view]]</span>
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(enchant:?page,(bg:black))[[<img class="no-shadow" style="top:30%;" src="Other images/Title page/cooltext514441665316786.png">|Primordial Human]]
(align:"<==")+(box:"===XXXXX==")[(text-rotate-x:334)+(text-rotate-y:6)[<img src="Other images/Title page/cooltext514441430328721.png">]]<marquee class="top-marquee">Choose between the shuriken or the key... Click on an object to use your free will to make decisions based on attraction and repulsion. ⊹˚.♡ ʚĭɞִ You can also scroll ʚĭɞִ</a></marquee>
<img class="left-3 w-3-5" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DF_Memory1_Scan0001.jpg">
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<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/Pinkballs_borderclear.png" width=400 height=50 border=0>
It is 04:04. The night feels pregnant with potential. There is a magical feeling that charges my skin like static. I feel completely present. Undeniably electrified to be with him.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/Pinkballs_borderclear.png" width=400 height=50 border=0>
<span data-object="shuriken"> [[Steal a glance in his direction.|Chaser: tunnel 2]]</span>
<span data-object="shuriken"> [[Walk to the churchyard.|Chaser: Churchyard view of Runner]]</span>
<span data-object="key">[[Leave the reverie.|Chaser: in bed]]</span>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">Bramble or cross fluery? ...Click on an object to use your free will to make decisions based on attraction and repulsion. ⊹˚.♡ ʚĭɞִ You can also scroll ʚĭɞִ</a></marquee>
<img class="left-3 w-3-5" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DF_Memory1_Scan0001.jpg">
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<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/Pinkballs_borderclear.png" width=400 height=50 border=0>
It is 04:04.
The night is warm but my hands are cold.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/Pinkballs_borderclear.png" width=400 height=50 border=0>
<span data-object="cross">[[Take her hand.|Runner: take her hand]]</span>
<span data-object="cross">[[Walk to the churchyard.|Runner: Churchyard view]]</span>
<span data-object="bramble">[[Leave the reverie.|Runner: forest walk]]</span>
</div><marquee class="top-marquee">...Click on an object to use your free will to make decisions based on attraction and repulsion. ⊹˚.♡ There are two polarities of choice for the Runner and the Chaser, respectively. ʚĭɞִ You can also scroll ʚĭɞִ</a></marquee>
<img class="left-3 w-3-5" src="Backup Scans/COPY 20260311_DF_Memory1_Scan0001.jpg">
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<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/Pinkballs_borderclear.png" width=400 height=50 border=0>
We walked through the tunnel leading from Crucifix Lane to Druid Street. We spotted an eclectic queue of Londoners waiting to go inside the <span data-object="cross key bramble shuriken" data-mode="wake">[[Agape Ministry]]</span> in the doorway under the bridge. A neon cross fleury flickers above - casting long shadows from everyone stood in that dank passageway at this time of night. It is 04:04.
<img src="Other images/Web images/Borders/Pinkballs_borderclear.png" width=400 height=50 border=0>
<span data-object="bramble cross"> [[I am the Runner. |Tunnel: Runner View]]</span>
<span data-object="shuriken key">[[I am the Chaser. |Tunnel: Chaser View]]</span>
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